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Remembering who I am

I was reminded the other day of something I had forgotten about myself.

“I can see these timelines play out in the future. Why can’t I just be happy? Why am I not allowed to just be happy?” I cried to her.

“You don’t deserve happiness,” the voice inside me said. “Nothing ever works out for you” the voice continued.

It happens so fast that it’s almost imperceptible. The voice of the shadow, so quick and keen to pull me back down. Refusing to let me out of the darkness, that shadow that would swirl around my eyes and ears, keeping me entranced. Waiting for a crack in my armour to ooze back in and overtake me instantly.

I’ve been doing this dance for a while now. Getting stronger each time, allowing it to bring me to the deepest depths and darkest back. Until I could recognize I was turning my back against the light. Blocking the sun from my path, from my eyes. It would take time to turn around like swimming through dense water. When I turned to the surface I could see the light shining to me and all I had to do was let myself float up.

And each time the shadow would find an opening. Through my tests to shed the layers of myself. How far I was willing to go? How deep I would be willing to reach? Each time getting closer and closer to my core. To my true essence.

The challenges get harder to figure out as you go deeper. You have to learn to understand the feedback that the outcome of your decisions gives you. You need to expand your worldview until you can understand all of the layers, all of the strings and how they weave together.

We are always challenged to grow. Let go or be dragged. Things can turn very bad very quickly when we refuse to let go. When we refuse to try a different approach or to understand a new perspective.

I’ve been praying to remember who I am. Please God let me remember who I am.

“Because you’re a warrior” she said.

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